I didn't know it could hurt so bad!

If you follow me, you know I am a horrible blogger and for that I apologize.

Truth is folks I have nothing good to say. I have been in a pretty dark place for several months and it seems to be getting progressively worse.

I figure no one wants to continue to read me bitch about how horrible dealing with IF really is. It’s hard personally as well as on my relationship.

I am angry with M for not wanting it more. I am angry with myself for not having eggs with arms that reach out and grab is slow sperm. I am just angry in general.

I feel like I have the universe stacked against us and not one bit of defense against it.

This month has been full of pregnancy announcements and baby shower invitations. I have officially reached the point that I am BITTER! That’s right I said it!! I am jealous of all the blessings being placed among my friends and family and frustrated with those who don't appreciate it.

I have become a person full of anger and rage. The smallest things can push me into a full blown ugly cry. When I cry it’s always about the same thing.

It’s not a baby I desire. It is a baby with M that I want. I want the connection that pregnancy brings and the joys and headache of caring for a newborn. I want to see how M reacts to it all.

He says he is fine where he is and there is no need for treatment. "If it happens, it happens" were his exact words this morning while I was in the middle of a full out breakdown. How do I get him to care, or even want this half as much as me?

As we approach the two year mark I look back at this journey and see all the heartache I have suffered, I wonder if it is worth it. I wonder when and how someone who wants something so much will throw in the towel. How much more can I take? How do I rationalize that we probably will not get pregnant alone and that M wants to take no further steps?

Where we stand!

Today has not been a good day....

Went to see Dr. M for a follow up appointment after having another UTI/Kidney infection (6th this year alone) and having to get a script for Provera to start my period last month.

Now that we are at 18 plus months I am getting extremely impatient and kind of feel like it is never going to happen. He originally wanted to do a LAP but I know myself and I don't come through surgery very well so I asked if we could do the HSG instead.

My impression is that he doesn't think it is going to happen naturally for us. He said that he thought our only option was IVF with ICSI and that here in VA it runs close to $30,000. I don't know about you but I don't have that kind of money just lying around. There is no way in hell that I would be able to convince M to do it even if we did. He is totally against IVF. Its whatever, he has his reasons and I can't force him to change his mind.

I held it together at the office and even made it back to work before I broke down into an ugly cry at my desk. I don't know if I am strong enough to keep going. But I also don't think I can give up. I want to try fertility drugs but Dr. M said he didn't think they would work for us. I at least think we owe it to ourselves to take a chance.

I am also questioning why I haven't had any ultrasounds to check the status of my ovaries. There are women that have ovulation issues that have a period every month (Sueann911). He thinks because my chart is pretty I don't have an issue. Well I'm calling bullshit on that.

I think it’s time to start looking for second opinions. I LOVE Dr. M but he is not an RE he is a GYN with a specialty in fertility. He has assisted 2 of my friends in getting their dream. I have hung with him for this long to see what he suggest and I don't know if I am just being naive or what but I think we can do this without IVF.

MY HSG is on Friday. Is it bad that I hope that he finds something wrong with me? At least then it would be somewhat in my control. That is a selfish thing for me to say but honestly its how I feel. I don't want M to carry the burden if we don't ever get our baby. I don't want to be angry with him and if I am being completely honest I am sometimes. He can't help it, and I feel like total scum for feeling that way. But I owe it to myself to be honest and you folks get the pleasure of getting inside my head (hope you brought weapons, it’s scary in there).

I can't grow a baby.....

But I can grow a kidney stone.

I have had them before but this one is really putting a hurting on me. I haven't been out of bed today and can't hold down any food.

My doctors are pissing me off. I have a stone but they don't want to see me until Sept. 16th. WTF???

If the pain doesn't stop soon I am heading to the ER.

I guess the only positive is that I will meet my deductible and not feel bad about having the LAP.

Andplusalso, I have a script for provera (sp?)to get this show on the road but I can't fathom having AF on top of this. Needless to say it has not been filled.

Lamest Blogger Around......

I know, I'm lame.

Nothing new to say on the TTC front.  I think I O'd sometime over the weekend. I casually took OPKs and didn't temp, so there is no guarantee.

But anyjazz, I had to take M to the Dr. today for the 1st time at his request this afternoon (the other two times wee for a physical for work and the Urologist at my request). So when I asked him if I should make him an appointment and he said yes...I knew that shit was serious.

He has done something to his back. Didn't sleep last night and went to work early to sit in one of the massage chairs we has as a benefit (they seriously rock, the ones that massage your arms and legs). They sent him home with a bunch of drugs and told him to ice and heat it.

I really hope he just strained it pretty bad. It would kill him to not be able to be active.

I would also probably want to kill him if he was in the house all the time....yikes!!! I hope he gets better soon. I heart him. 

Anywho, the garden went pretty well.

The squash didn't do as good as they have in years past but we got enough to feed the stupid iguana for the summer. Have I mentioned lately how much I despise that thing? Still free to any home that will take him.

We have tons of tomatoes and cucumbers. We have taken tons to work and our parents because there is no way we can eat them before they go bad. I refuse to can. I know I should but it is so much work. I guess I'm just lazy like that. I also genuinely enjoy giving away fresh veggies. I know that people will enjoy them.

Our peppers are okay. Not very big or hot. But they have good flavor. I have stuffed them a couple times.

I grew sunflowers for the first time this year and they are beautiful. I have some that are easily 12 feet tall. They started to open today. Seeing them open made me think about my life lately. I have been so obsessed with one thing that I am not stopping to enjoy the little moments. I need to stop living for the what ifs and start living for the right now.

Letting My Emotions Get the Best of Me

Let me prepare you for the whinefest that is about to begin... I am sorry in advance!

I am sad.

I am mad.

I am jealous.

All in all, I am over it!

I wonder what we have done to piss off God.

Why not us? Why someone with a dead end job and a boyfriend who refuses to work?

This process is making me shelter myself from other people to ward off uncomfortable situations.

I wish I could just "go with the flow".

Sometimes I think it is a punishment to know too much.

I just want to catch a break.

Letting My Emotions Get the Best of Me

Lurkster

I haven't been around much lately and its on purpose.

I have lost about all hope of conceiving on our own and since we will not be going further with testing and treatment at this point, I think its a good time to step back.

This has been and continues to be one of the biggest challenges of my life. Unless someone has been there they will just never know how it feels.

MFI makes me feel powerless. I can use every trick in the book but its not going to matter. I can't make sperm and thats what we are missing.

Its time for us to let nature take its course and pray that it will happen.

I will update here and there and if any of my lovely bumpies get BFP's you can bet my ass will come out and play.

In the meantime, I am going to look for a second job to save up for treatments. I guess thats what I can contribute.

18 Random Questions

I have a few minutes of free time, so why not?

1. Coffee, tea or soda? I have one cup of coffee every morning. I love, love, love SWEET tea (it would be a crime if I didn't), I have a love /hate relationship with Soda. I love it and it hates my mid-section.



2. Do you live in an urban or rural area?  I would say urban. Only because of where I grew up. Growing up on a farm with the nearest grocery store 20 minutes away will make any area seem urban.



3. What was the last item you purchased other than food? Mouthwash and tampons at CVS with CVS bucks!



4. Do you subscribe to a daily newspaper? No, but I do check out the website everyday.



5. Who called you on the phone last? My lover boy!



6. What is your favorite TV show?  This is a hard one because I watch entirely too much TV. True Blood, The Walking Dead, and American Horror Story are my top 3.



7. What is your favorite TV news source? I haven't really watched the news since my brother went on his first tour of duty in Iraq (2004), but if something cray is happening I will put it on CNN.



8. Credit or Debt?  Debt



9. Paper, plastic or do you bring your own bags? Plastic- Sorry granola buddies!



10. What Thrift store do you usually donate to and why? The Goodwill because its less than a mile from my house.



11. When you shop in person, do you usually frequent the mall, specialty boutiques or ???  My favorite store is Ross. But I also love Old Navy so I frequent the mall often as well.



12. What is your favorite online shopping source?  Buckle.com because it the only place I can find jeans long enough for my Amazon ass.



13. Clothes, shoes or house stuff?  50/50 Clothes and Home.



14. Hair. Home dye, professional dye or natural? Dark Brown L'oreal Excellence every 45 days!



15. Do you keep a journal?  Nope just this blog, yo!



16. Do you have a bucket list? I don't. Maybe I should ?????



17. What is your least favorite chore? Dishes or Vacuuming



18. What book are you reading? I started Almost Moon by Alice Sebold but is nowhere near as good as her other two books.


And that my friends is a little dose of Beth.

Looking back - Newbie Style

I took a look back this morning at my blog post from a year ago.  I was so hopeful. I thought for sure I would have a baby in my arms by now.

I had it all set up. I was going to get pregnant in June, be due in February and ask to have my C-section on my 30th birthday.

Are all newbies so hopeful? Do some know there will be issues from the beginning?

I think we wee about 7 or 8 months in when I knew there was a problem. I originally thought that it was most likely me. I think all ladies going through IF think it is them. Hell, it might still be me, too.

I am so thankful for the group of Internet strangers that have helped me and still continue to help me on a daily basis.

Sometimes being on an forum with women that are all trying to accomplish the same thing can be hard. Its hard not to be sad when a newb gets a BFP.

Will I ever get to tell M that he is going to be a dad?  When do you throw in the towel?

If it were up to me we would continue on with testing/treatment, but for him this is not an option.

He has justifiable reasons so I can't be mad at him. I just hope in time his heart changes.

Sweet Summertime!

M and I are very "outdoorsy" people. I like to think we are slightly adventerous.

This weeks adveture was a 5 mile round trip hike that included lots of rock climbing at the top.

I truely love our one on one time. We need more of it!

We are so blessed to live in such a beautiful area.

Bad days!

During this journey I have become very aware on what a bad day is. Today is one of those days.

I guess it has just been a rough week and today it is finally hitting me. Maybe its because I feel bad for feeling sad. When good things happen for other people, you should be happy for them. I am having trouble with that lately.

Do I think that my cousins baby is amazing? Yes!

But....do I envy them right now more than anything? Yes.

Am I happy for a FB friend that announced she is pregnant? Absolutley (Especially because I think they have been trying for a while)

Did I tear up when I looked at the announcement? Sure did.

I swear, this infertility shit is for the birds.

I don't know if I am sad, angry or just a bitter hussy at this moment. I don't want to be bitter, but I am.

Keeping the happy face on when your crying inside is a hard job.

Judge Away, Because its Happening.

Okay peeps, its time to get cereal.

M has decided that taking blood pressure medicine and not having a blood pressure problem is moronic. I see his point. Blood pressure is not something I want to mess around with.

So I did some research of my own and came across Maca Root. It seems to be about as natural as it gets and he is all for that. We both have seen the benefits of starting a vitamin regimen. The day we decided to start trying I started taking a prenatal and DHEA. I have been known to take Evening Primrose Oil,  but not every cycle.

Some people will judge because we can't confirm it with a doctor. However, we asked the Dr. directly about supplements or vitamins and he did not want to discuss them. M is done with doctors and I guess I am just trying to hang on. He is not very hopeful at this point.

He seems to be willing to continue on with a more natural approach. Maybe we are both just dirty hippies, who want to camp in primitive sites and live off the land.

Speaking of living off the land , I can't wait to get plants in the ground. It is for sure on the agenda for this weekend. We have already been tilling the plot and pulling rocks out.

M built a bridge across the pond a couple weeks ago. As always this house is a constant project. He is always building something. I think we have decided to stay here for a couple more years. I told him if he could get me an out building of my own for storage I could make it work. That give away that damn iguana.

Here are a few pics of the projects we have done in the last month:

Results x3

The urologist's nurse called me today this afternoon with the results of test número 3. It's not good folks. His count is half of what it was last month. Last month it was 13 million and this month it is 7 million.

To say I am sad right now is an understatement.

I am really beginning to give up the little hope that I had left. I wish I knew how to process this right now. He is super disappointed and said it makes him feel terrible. He doesn't want to keep up the suggestions at this point.

I just don't know what the future holds. And that scares the shit out of me!

God grant me the strength not to slap a bitch!

If I see one more "I'm pregnant" post on from a girl who can't take care of the kids she already has I am going to flip my shit. There have seriously been four announcements over the weekend!!!!

Pretty sure we are on to cycle 15 tomorrow.

M has his 3rd SA tomorrow. This one was ordered by the urologist and will include white blood count and PH. The other two did not. If he has high PH and it has ben an infection all along....there may be more throat punching in order.

I have to wear what??????

So this is where we are at. I know this is like a song playing on repeat over and over but we NEVER thought we would be here.




On March 27th we went to the urologist. We had a nice long discussion about M’s count and other sperm quality factors. I pointed out that I did not see where white blood cell count or PH had been tested and how I had read that these could be important factors. The urologist agreed and we will be doing a repeat at the end of April.



I stepped out of the room while he did the physical exam. Lets be honest, I knew what was about to happen and I was not going to witness or be blamed for any of that.

The urologist told him he needed to switch from boxer briefs to plain ole boxers….He works out daily and is not enjoying the “freedom” that regular boxers are giving his special parts. The Dr. was also concerned that he wears jeans everyday to work and sits all day (for the last 15 yrs). He felt like heat was playing a major part in all of this mess because there were no obvious “defects”. He was given strict orders to keep those (literally speaking) babies cool. This means no sauna action at the gym, of course I have been preaching about this for a while but of course I was wrong (silly me and all my research).





That’s how the urology visit went but here is where I really am.



I feel defeated.



I feel like I have no control over anything anymore.



I can’t think about the diagnosis without crying.



I feel like I need to just come to the realization that it may not happen. I need to somehow be okay with this fact.



At this point we will not do IUI or IVF. It is just not an option for us. Maybe in a couple years, but not now.



My plans this month (#14) are to take it kind of easy. I have some OPKs left from my last shipment and I intend to use those. I am not temping. TTC already consumes my mind for much more time than it should. I am not going to temp so I can obsess over my chart only for my perfect cycles to mean nothing.



I am about as clockwork as you can get. I start on the 26-27th day around 3-5pm. I know when I ovulate by now. If I have an off cycle, it is what it is. But it hasn’t happened in the last 14 months.

There will be a whole lot of praying going on around here. M told his parents last Sunday. They are our cheerleaders and always have been. Here is hoping that our prayer warriors come through!

Its not me...its you!

Today I feel defeated.

After months of thinking something is wrong with me, we got his SA back and it isn't me at all. It was so bad that they didn't even preform the test.

When I talked to the nurse at my office she said before they start the test they look at the semen under the microscope. When they looked they only saw 2-3 sperm. My understanding is that in the slide there should have been thousands.

Next step is a repeat. This he will abstain for 5 days instead of 3. If the test still looks bad its off to the urologist.

I am off to cry like a baby. I held it together at work. Now its time to let go.

2 Post in One Week...Say Whaaa??????

So I went to see Dr. Max today and I don't know if I got good news or bad news to tell you the truth. As far as my charts go, I have textbook ovulation. However, he is very concerned with the amount of scar tissue that he believes I have let from all of the abdominal surgery. So today I had a vampires breakfast amount of blood dawn and set up some additional test. If all the blood work turns out normal and M's SA is normal, I will have a laparoscopy done on April 24th to check for and remove said scar tissue.

My scar tissue tends to form in bands. There is an obvious band on my left side near where my ovary would be. It can be felt from the outside, but it is impossible to tell what it is actually hooked to without doing the laparoscopy. Good news is that I will not have a new scar. Dr. M assured me he would use one of the 50 already on my abdomen. SCORE!

Now for the funny...

I was really nervous about telling M that he would have to have a SA. I don't know why, but I was. And I was avoiding that conversation like the plague. Well in order to get it set up I had to get a chart made for him because he was not in the system at the hospital I use. I mean he was born there but it was 32 years ago....why would they not have a record??? Oh I know there are these new things called computers now, they must not have converted the things in Morse code to the computer system. Shame, Shame!

Anyway, I had to call him at work to get his social the convo went a little something like this...

Me: What is your social???
M: Why??
Me: I have to get a chart made for you. You have to have a test.
M: A test? What kind of test?
Me: Well I don't know if it is really appropriate to tell you over a monitored work line....
M: Just tell me......wait, that kind of test?
Me: Yeah.
M: Why do I have to do that?
Me: You know why.....
M: Well how much is that going to cost?
Me: Does it matter? I mean I am sure it will be $75-200.
M: Oh okay, well if you want it done you have to help me.
Me: As you wish dear.

He still doesn't know that he has to abstain for at least 3 days. HA! I wasn't dropping that one on him at work.

So I guess things are looking up. At least we have a plan. Holla!!!!

Must. Blog. More.

I know not many follow me and I apologize to those that do. But here is a little bit of where I am in life.

This month has not been fun and we are only in day 4. Granted I am including the last week of February but still. GIVE ME A BREAK.

(1) We have officially reached month 12 of TTC. Seriously, who would have ever imagined. I have my obligatory one year appointment tomorrow. I don't know how far we will go to make this happen.

The good news is that I called the insurance company and I do have coverage for all of my IF testing. No coverage for medications or procedures, but I will take what I can get.

At this point I am super frustrated and feel like it may never happen. But I guess what will be will be.

(2) We decided to look into putting the house on the market. While the house seems to be getting great reception (as it should after all the work we have put into it), it appears we are upside down in our loan because of all the foreclosures in the area.

There are positives and negatives with the housing market being on the outs. Though we will most likely not get out of our home what we have put into it, we will get a lot more for our money when we get a new house.

Again, with everything in life nothing is ever black and white it is usually a shade of gray.


(3) My yearly merit increase was a JOKE! I seriously busted my ass for this company last year for nothing. I told my boss point blank that he might as well have just punched me in the face. I also told his boss that (whom I am very close with). I have made it very clear that I wish to be moved outside of the department I am in so that my strengths can be used accordingly. I am in a very unhappy place right now with my career.

I really need to get off my ass and finish my degree. I keep making excuses. Pregnancy being on the top of that list. But obviously, I should not be using that excuse.

I have been repeating this to myself for the last week:

I will just keep pushing along, after all what else can I do?

Frustrated

I have reached the point in our journey where frustration takes complete control of me. I cannot think about anything other than having a baby. I know that I cannot compare myself to others but I am now to the point that it is hard to hear about someone else being pregnant. It’s true I don’t know what they went through to get there; they may have had a long journey of their own. To see one of my good friends congratulating someone else on their pregnancy because they posted it on FB and the undeniable excitement she has for someone I know she is not very close with, JUST PLAIN HURTS! Of course I am surrounded by nearly 100 people in a crowded lunch area and see this from a far. It took every ounce of strength I had not to lose it right there.

So now I am sitting her still upset. Almost eight hours later.

No one ever tells you how hard this process will be.

No one ever tells you that you will ask why on a constant basis.

No one ever tells you that you will want to cry when you see a pregnant woman in line at the grocery store paying for groceries with food stamps (this happen yesterday).

For now I am throwing a pity party for one. No one else is invited!!!!!

I am really discouraged.

I want us to be us and not be timing everything and making sure we are hitting the right days.

Maybe I’m PMSing. I know that I am tired.

I just want one thing in life to come easy for me. I really hope this is the month but I don’t have high hopes. I am an all around negative nelly today.