Where we stand!

Today has not been a good day....

Went to see Dr. M for a follow up appointment after having another UTI/Kidney infection (6th this year alone) and having to get a script for Provera to start my period last month.

Now that we are at 18 plus months I am getting extremely impatient and kind of feel like it is never going to happen. He originally wanted to do a LAP but I know myself and I don't come through surgery very well so I asked if we could do the HSG instead.

My impression is that he doesn't think it is going to happen naturally for us. He said that he thought our only option was IVF with ICSI and that here in VA it runs close to $30,000. I don't know about you but I don't have that kind of money just lying around. There is no way in hell that I would be able to convince M to do it even if we did. He is totally against IVF. Its whatever, he has his reasons and I can't force him to change his mind.

I held it together at the office and even made it back to work before I broke down into an ugly cry at my desk. I don't know if I am strong enough to keep going. But I also don't think I can give up. I want to try fertility drugs but Dr. M said he didn't think they would work for us. I at least think we owe it to ourselves to take a chance.

I am also questioning why I haven't had any ultrasounds to check the status of my ovaries. There are women that have ovulation issues that have a period every month (Sueann911). He thinks because my chart is pretty I don't have an issue. Well I'm calling bullshit on that.

I think it’s time to start looking for second opinions. I LOVE Dr. M but he is not an RE he is a GYN with a specialty in fertility. He has assisted 2 of my friends in getting their dream. I have hung with him for this long to see what he suggest and I don't know if I am just being naive or what but I think we can do this without IVF.

MY HSG is on Friday. Is it bad that I hope that he finds something wrong with me? At least then it would be somewhat in my control. That is a selfish thing for me to say but honestly its how I feel. I don't want M to carry the burden if we don't ever get our baby. I don't want to be angry with him and if I am being completely honest I am sometimes. He can't help it, and I feel like total scum for feeling that way. But I owe it to myself to be honest and you folks get the pleasure of getting inside my head (hope you brought weapons, it’s scary in there).