7 months ;(

I started this blog thinking that I would be sharing my pregnancy experience. Thus far it has not been the case.

I had my Mirena removed on Valentines Day. The doctor suggested taking BCP for 1-3 months to get my cycles regulated because I never had a period on the IUD. I finished one pack. I have been off BCP for 7 months on the 15^th. For the last 5 months I have had a perfect 28 day cycle. I have been able to confirm ovulation on the 12^th or 13^th day each time. Obviously, I am not pregnant. I am beginning to get very frustrated with this process.

It is hard to stay positive when there seems to be an “oops” baby boom at work. That coupled with the “it will happen just don’t stress” makes me want to punch people in the throat box.  My mother is no exception to the rule. If she tells me one more time that she never “tried” to get pregnant she just stopped taking BC and it happen within a month the first time (me) and two months the second time (my brother).  Another person who’s throat box is in jeopardy is my sex ed teacher from middle school. “F” you for making everyone think it was simple to get pregnant.

People who have never had difficulty just don’t understand. Friends of mine who did have a hard time keep telling me that 7 months is no time. Well, I can guaren-damn-t you that they were just as obsessed as I am at this point.

Babies,Bomer,Grey, and Tatum

In my last post (far too long ago) I mentioned that one of my work buddies had been TTC since January 2008. Well, she took me by complete surprise two weeks ago by telling me that she was 10 weeks pregnant. Woo Freakin Hoo!!! Baby Bean will be here in January.  Her news was so great that it made me not getting KU this month more bearable. 4 months is nothing compared to 4 ½ years!!!!

I will not say that I wasn’t disappointed because believe me I was. I thought for sure I would be one of those women that say “I want a baby” and it would happen right away. I have not started temping and I won’t until I hit 6 months. Just a personal decision, the whole idea of thinking about conceiving from the moment I wake up bothers me. I already think about it way to much. I will continue with the OPK’s and Evening Primrose Oil (it has really made a difference in my CM).

I have also started working out for an hour a day. There is a common misconception that “thin” women are healthy. I can’t tell you how many times someone has said to me “If I looked like you I would never work out”. Well, let me tell you about that…. Just because I am a certain size does not mean I am happy with the way things have started to shift downward. Also, I am the most out of shape person I know. I have no energy. It couldn’t hurt to do a little exercise.

On another note, I have read the 50 Shades of Grey series twice in the last month. It is AMAZEBALLS!!! Yes it is full of kinky fuckery, but that is not why I loved the books. The characters are very complex. It was fun watching them grow. Do not let people tell you that all the books are is “mommy porn”. I personally believe there was plenty of substance. I wouldn’t have read them twice if not.

I also had a girls night out with some friends just over a week ago. I never go out. I am a total homebody. However, when it came to watching Matt Bomer (this man should be cast as Christian Grey and it is a shame he is gay), Joe Mangeniello and Channing Tatum in less than clad outfits dancing, it was totally worth being a little less hermitish. Those boys put on a mighty fine show and I am still not sure what the story was about ;). However, I would love to find out what Channing has to do for a $20.

The First Let Down

AF came to visit on Saturday.

I guess I had false hopes of it happening on the first try (2nd off BC). I took OPK's and know that I ovulated on CD 13. The timing was wonderful. Though I don't see that being an issue for us EVER.

I had it all planned out in my little world. See, if I would have got KU in May my due date would have been in Feb. It just so happens that I will be 30 in Feb. I will most likely have to have a repeat C-section because of all the complications with P. So I was going to beg to have it done on my 30th birthday. Oh well, I guess I am not supposed to have a birthday baby. This could be a good thing because I will get 8 weeks off and I would prefer to have the time in the summer!

Since I never tried to get pregnant with Paiton I have no idea what to expect. Obviously, not everyone can be my friend H who looks at her husband and is pregnant. Honestly, I have a lot more friends that have had trouble than those who just seem to be "Fertile Myrtle".

I am kind of ashamed of myself for being disappointed. A co-worker of mine has been trying since Jan. 2008. I see her on a daily basis. I love her little heart and I hate that she and her hubby have not been able to have a baby. She would be a great mom.

So snap out of it and put on your big girl panties (obviously you have to right now because the flood gates have opened).

I wish that I could back to be completely oblivious to how the stars have to a line. I don't want to obsess. However, this is not my nature. If I set my mind to something I will not be satisfied until it happens. I went ahead and ordered more OPK's from Amazon because I am quickly realizing I am a Pee on a Stick Addict!

So here is the plan for this month.....

1) Remember to take my multi-vitamin and extra folic acid!
2) Start taking Evening Primrose Oil.
3) Limit myself to one Dr. Pepper a day. (Not likely to happen, but I will try)
4) Go through my closet and donate everything I haven't worn in 6 months. (Of course I will keep anything that will work as maternity wear)
5) Find a new comforter set for my bedroom.
6) Figure out if I will use Carilion again (different DR. of course) or Lewis Gale (downside, no NICU).
7) GET PREGNANT!

Standing tall on my soapbox!

People kill me.

Women who are pregnant (or plan on becoming pregnant) should stop smoking.

I am horrified when I see women with a belly for days smoking. Better yet, why don't you announce on the smoke block that you are expecting while puffing away on your Newport!

I have been a smoker for almost 15 years. The moment realized I had a little surprise on the way back in 2003 I quit immediately. The smell of a cigarette made me vomit, and I wasn't a sickly preggo!

This time around we have decided to have a baby. So I quit right away. Don't get me wrong its not easy. When I am on the phone with a complete jackass at work, second to punching them in the face; I want a stogie (RIP Amber)!

But if you make the conscious decision to have a baby, have a little respect for yourself and your baby. People are talking about you behind your back. Heck, I have a hard time not saying it to your face. I would if I wasn't at work and the fact that I need my job to pay for the baby I will someday have smoke free. HR frowns upon calling people out on their dumbassness (is that a word???).

Now what makes this whole situation worse (if possible) is when you know there is something terribly wrong with your baby. To the point of having to have the child in a specialized hospital because she may need immediate heart surgery.

I get it, your stressed. Pregnancy is stressful and add a major birth defect to the mix and I imagine your are just about plum crazy. But what makes you think "Oh, I'll just have a cigarette to calm my nerves" Never mind the fact smoking lowers birth weight among other things. Your BFF just gave birth to a full term baby weighing just over 5 pounds because you two were out on the smoking block puffing away! That's alright sweetheart I'm sure being born at a healthy weight won't help your baby's chances at all during surgery.

Do I feel sorry for you? Yes.

Why? Because you are an F'ing idiot!

Secondly, if you are smoking while you are a human incubator, what is going to stop you when the baby gets here? Will you light up in the car on the way home from the hospital? Probably not because then you have to face the little life you are possibly destroying!

I feel sorry for your baby if you can't make the decision to be unselfish!

Try this on for size genius. I suffer from a chronic pain condition caused from the 45 million abdominal surgeries I have had. For the last 3 years I have been on high doses of narcotic pain medication. I quit taking all forms of narcotic pain medication over a month ago. Do you think it is fun?? NO, it is not! I am constantly in pain. But, ITS WORTH IT!!!! I am willing to risk my on health and comfort for the sake of holding a precious bundle of joy in my arms.

So smoke your cigarette and remember, people are talking about you! They aren't saying very nice things. And if they aren't talking about it. They are thinking it! I hope for your baby's sake you wake the F up in the next couple of weeks.

****Steps off soapbox****

The Next Step

When I was 20 I had the big wedding and thought I would live happily ever after. I could not have been more wrong. I quickly realized I had married Satan's spawn. But not before I was pregnant.

The day Paiton was delivered was one of the scariest days of my life.
- 21 years old
- Alone at the hospital
- 6 weeks from my due date
- No heartbeat could be found.

I was quickly rushed to the OR and put to sleep. Paiton Elizabeth was delivered at 34 weeks gestation on 5/15/2004. Luckily, she was a large baby 6 pounds and 2 ounces. Much larger than I had expected (or anyone else for that matter).

The next 3 weeks were not so fun. Once Paiton had been delivered by emergency c-section and I was given a couple days to recover, it was clear that something was very wrong with me. Thank you Jesus it was me not her! I was transferred to another hospital and had 2 surgeries in back to back for a total of 3 surgeries in 5 days. I stayed in the hospital for 3 weeks and could only visit my baby when my mother or the sperm donor brought her to me in the morning and left the hospital before dark. This is not what I imagined when I thought about having a baby.

Fast forward 2 years and 2 more surgeries and I was finally able to admit I could not stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of my beautiful daughter. I need to do what made me happy. After all happy mom equals happy baby right??? I told him it was over and left the same day.

I will omit the details but Paiton's biological father has not had any contact with her for almost 6 years at this point. I believe this is the best thing for her, though I was not the one who made this happen.

I had known M for about 3 months before I left my husband. It was a purely platonic relationship. Co-workers who had a great time laughing together all day. I would come into work in the morning and find crazy cutouts on the pictures on my desk. He was (and still is) a true character.

It wasn't long after I made the decision to leave that M and I made the decision to start seeing each other. Who knew that we would fall in love so quickly? I was moving in within 3 months and don't regret it for a second. Sure, people thought I was a horrible person and I was only thinking about myself and not my daughter. When I say people I mean family, friends, co-workers, and just about everyone we told. But it was about time I followed my heart. I had been miserable for the past 3 years and I longed to be happy.

When M introduced me to his family, I fell in love with every one of them. They accepted me and my daughter and even though I am sure his close knit family had many things to say about our situation when I was not there, I never once felt unwelcomed.

Paiton was about 2 1/2 when M and I started dating. It wasn't 6 months before SHE asked him if she could call him Daddy.  He said yes without hesitation and for the last 5 + years we have lived as a family.

This is where the gray area comes in.

What is the most logical next step???

Marriage of course!!!

Well not for us! Call me bitter, call me immoral. I really don’t care! I have done it before and I am not ready to do it again. I’m not sure I will ever be. M agrees.

I really do not need a piece of paper to tell me he loves me and that we will be together forever. I mean it worked out so well the first time right!

Will it happen one day? Maybe, or maybe not. But that is for us to decide.

However, neither of us are getting any younger. I firmly believe that M deserves a child that is related to him by blood. Someone to look at and see his own image. He is a great father even though he doesn't have to be. He is the only father Paiton has ever known.

The decision has been made to stop BC and try for Baby G!

I’m not sure this decision will fly with either side of the family. But I’m a big girl and he is a big boy, we will make our decisions together. I am sure that the baby will be loved. After all, Paiton is not a blood relative of his family but you would never know it.

So, this blog has been created to track our progress. Hopefully, in the next couple of months I will be planning a nursery and telling tales about making homemade maternity clothes. I just hope I don’t stress myself out and go completely nuts in the process.