The Next Step

When I was 20 I had the big wedding and thought I would live happily ever after. I could not have been more wrong. I quickly realized I had married Satan's spawn. But not before I was pregnant.

The day Paiton was delivered was one of the scariest days of my life.
- 21 years old
- Alone at the hospital
- 6 weeks from my due date
- No heartbeat could be found.

I was quickly rushed to the OR and put to sleep. Paiton Elizabeth was delivered at 34 weeks gestation on 5/15/2004. Luckily, she was a large baby 6 pounds and 2 ounces. Much larger than I had expected (or anyone else for that matter).

The next 3 weeks were not so fun. Once Paiton had been delivered by emergency c-section and I was given a couple days to recover, it was clear that something was very wrong with me. Thank you Jesus it was me not her! I was transferred to another hospital and had 2 surgeries in back to back for a total of 3 surgeries in 5 days. I stayed in the hospital for 3 weeks and could only visit my baby when my mother or the sperm donor brought her to me in the morning and left the hospital before dark. This is not what I imagined when I thought about having a baby.

Fast forward 2 years and 2 more surgeries and I was finally able to admit I could not stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of my beautiful daughter. I need to do what made me happy. After all happy mom equals happy baby right??? I told him it was over and left the same day.

I will omit the details but Paiton's biological father has not had any contact with her for almost 6 years at this point. I believe this is the best thing for her, though I was not the one who made this happen.

I had known M for about 3 months before I left my husband. It was a purely platonic relationship. Co-workers who had a great time laughing together all day. I would come into work in the morning and find crazy cutouts on the pictures on my desk. He was (and still is) a true character.

It wasn't long after I made the decision to leave that M and I made the decision to start seeing each other. Who knew that we would fall in love so quickly? I was moving in within 3 months and don't regret it for a second. Sure, people thought I was a horrible person and I was only thinking about myself and not my daughter. When I say people I mean family, friends, co-workers, and just about everyone we told. But it was about time I followed my heart. I had been miserable for the past 3 years and I longed to be happy.

When M introduced me to his family, I fell in love with every one of them. They accepted me and my daughter and even though I am sure his close knit family had many things to say about our situation when I was not there, I never once felt unwelcomed.

Paiton was about 2 1/2 when M and I started dating. It wasn't 6 months before SHE asked him if she could call him Daddy.  He said yes without hesitation and for the last 5 + years we have lived as a family.

This is where the gray area comes in.

What is the most logical next step???

Marriage of course!!!

Well not for us! Call me bitter, call me immoral. I really don’t care! I have done it before and I am not ready to do it again. I’m not sure I will ever be. M agrees.

I really do not need a piece of paper to tell me he loves me and that we will be together forever. I mean it worked out so well the first time right!

Will it happen one day? Maybe, or maybe not. But that is for us to decide.

However, neither of us are getting any younger. I firmly believe that M deserves a child that is related to him by blood. Someone to look at and see his own image. He is a great father even though he doesn't have to be. He is the only father Paiton has ever known.

The decision has been made to stop BC and try for Baby G!

I’m not sure this decision will fly with either side of the family. But I’m a big girl and he is a big boy, we will make our decisions together. I am sure that the baby will be loved. After all, Paiton is not a blood relative of his family but you would never know it.

So, this blog has been created to track our progress. Hopefully, in the next couple of months I will be planning a nursery and telling tales about making homemade maternity clothes. I just hope I don’t stress myself out and go completely nuts in the process.