I can't grow a baby.....

But I can grow a kidney stone.

I have had them before but this one is really putting a hurting on me. I haven't been out of bed today and can't hold down any food.

My doctors are pissing me off. I have a stone but they don't want to see me until Sept. 16th. WTF???

If the pain doesn't stop soon I am heading to the ER.

I guess the only positive is that I will meet my deductible and not feel bad about having the LAP.

Andplusalso, I have a script for provera (sp?)to get this show on the road but I can't fathom having AF on top of this. Needless to say it has not been filled.

Lamest Blogger Around......

I know, I'm lame.

Nothing new to say on the TTC front.  I think I O'd sometime over the weekend. I casually took OPKs and didn't temp, so there is no guarantee.

But anyjazz, I had to take M to the Dr. today for the 1st time at his request this afternoon (the other two times wee for a physical for work and the Urologist at my request). So when I asked him if I should make him an appointment and he said yes...I knew that shit was serious.

He has done something to his back. Didn't sleep last night and went to work early to sit in one of the massage chairs we has as a benefit (they seriously rock, the ones that massage your arms and legs). They sent him home with a bunch of drugs and told him to ice and heat it.

I really hope he just strained it pretty bad. It would kill him to not be able to be active.

I would also probably want to kill him if he was in the house all the time....yikes!!! I hope he gets better soon. I heart him. 

Anywho, the garden went pretty well.

The squash didn't do as good as they have in years past but we got enough to feed the stupid iguana for the summer. Have I mentioned lately how much I despise that thing? Still free to any home that will take him.

We have tons of tomatoes and cucumbers. We have taken tons to work and our parents because there is no way we can eat them before they go bad. I refuse to can. I know I should but it is so much work. I guess I'm just lazy like that. I also genuinely enjoy giving away fresh veggies. I know that people will enjoy them.

Our peppers are okay. Not very big or hot. But they have good flavor. I have stuffed them a couple times.

I grew sunflowers for the first time this year and they are beautiful. I have some that are easily 12 feet tall. They started to open today. Seeing them open made me think about my life lately. I have been so obsessed with one thing that I am not stopping to enjoy the little moments. I need to stop living for the what ifs and start living for the right now.

Letting My Emotions Get the Best of Me

Let me prepare you for the whinefest that is about to begin... I am sorry in advance!

I am sad.

I am mad.

I am jealous.

All in all, I am over it!

I wonder what we have done to piss off God.

Why not us? Why someone with a dead end job and a boyfriend who refuses to work?

This process is making me shelter myself from other people to ward off uncomfortable situations.

I wish I could just "go with the flow".

Sometimes I think it is a punishment to know too much.

I just want to catch a break.

Letting My Emotions Get the Best of Me

Lurkster

I haven't been around much lately and its on purpose.

I have lost about all hope of conceiving on our own and since we will not be going further with testing and treatment at this point, I think its a good time to step back.

This has been and continues to be one of the biggest challenges of my life. Unless someone has been there they will just never know how it feels.

MFI makes me feel powerless. I can use every trick in the book but its not going to matter. I can't make sperm and thats what we are missing.

Its time for us to let nature take its course and pray that it will happen.

I will update here and there and if any of my lovely bumpies get BFP's you can bet my ass will come out and play.

In the meantime, I am going to look for a second job to save up for treatments. I guess thats what I can contribute.

18 Random Questions

I have a few minutes of free time, so why not?

1. Coffee, tea or soda? I have one cup of coffee every morning. I love, love, love SWEET tea (it would be a crime if I didn't), I have a love /hate relationship with Soda. I love it and it hates my mid-section.



2. Do you live in an urban or rural area?  I would say urban. Only because of where I grew up. Growing up on a farm with the nearest grocery store 20 minutes away will make any area seem urban.



3. What was the last item you purchased other than food? Mouthwash and tampons at CVS with CVS bucks!



4. Do you subscribe to a daily newspaper? No, but I do check out the website everyday.



5. Who called you on the phone last? My lover boy!



6. What is your favorite TV show?  This is a hard one because I watch entirely too much TV. True Blood, The Walking Dead, and American Horror Story are my top 3.



7. What is your favorite TV news source? I haven't really watched the news since my brother went on his first tour of duty in Iraq (2004), but if something cray is happening I will put it on CNN.



8. Credit or Debt?  Debt



9. Paper, plastic or do you bring your own bags? Plastic- Sorry granola buddies!



10. What Thrift store do you usually donate to and why? The Goodwill because its less than a mile from my house.



11. When you shop in person, do you usually frequent the mall, specialty boutiques or ???  My favorite store is Ross. But I also love Old Navy so I frequent the mall often as well.



12. What is your favorite online shopping source?  Buckle.com because it the only place I can find jeans long enough for my Amazon ass.



13. Clothes, shoes or house stuff?  50/50 Clothes and Home.



14. Hair. Home dye, professional dye or natural? Dark Brown L'oreal Excellence every 45 days!



15. Do you keep a journal?  Nope just this blog, yo!



16. Do you have a bucket list? I don't. Maybe I should ?????



17. What is your least favorite chore? Dishes or Vacuuming



18. What book are you reading? I started Almost Moon by Alice Sebold but is nowhere near as good as her other two books.


And that my friends is a little dose of Beth.

Looking back - Newbie Style

I took a look back this morning at my blog post from a year ago.  I was so hopeful. I thought for sure I would have a baby in my arms by now.

I had it all set up. I was going to get pregnant in June, be due in February and ask to have my C-section on my 30th birthday.

Are all newbies so hopeful? Do some know there will be issues from the beginning?

I think we wee about 7 or 8 months in when I knew there was a problem. I originally thought that it was most likely me. I think all ladies going through IF think it is them. Hell, it might still be me, too.

I am so thankful for the group of Internet strangers that have helped me and still continue to help me on a daily basis.

Sometimes being on an forum with women that are all trying to accomplish the same thing can be hard. Its hard not to be sad when a newb gets a BFP.

Will I ever get to tell M that he is going to be a dad?  When do you throw in the towel?

If it were up to me we would continue on with testing/treatment, but for him this is not an option.

He has justifiable reasons so I can't be mad at him. I just hope in time his heart changes.