Standing tall on my soapbox!

People kill me.

Women who are pregnant (or plan on becoming pregnant) should stop smoking.

I am horrified when I see women with a belly for days smoking. Better yet, why don't you announce on the smoke block that you are expecting while puffing away on your Newport!

I have been a smoker for almost 15 years. The moment realized I had a little surprise on the way back in 2003 I quit immediately. The smell of a cigarette made me vomit, and I wasn't a sickly preggo!

This time around we have decided to have a baby. So I quit right away. Don't get me wrong its not easy. When I am on the phone with a complete jackass at work, second to punching them in the face; I want a stogie (RIP Amber)!

But if you make the conscious decision to have a baby, have a little respect for yourself and your baby. People are talking about you behind your back. Heck, I have a hard time not saying it to your face. I would if I wasn't at work and the fact that I need my job to pay for the baby I will someday have smoke free. HR frowns upon calling people out on their dumbassness (is that a word???).

Now what makes this whole situation worse (if possible) is when you know there is something terribly wrong with your baby. To the point of having to have the child in a specialized hospital because she may need immediate heart surgery.

I get it, your stressed. Pregnancy is stressful and add a major birth defect to the mix and I imagine your are just about plum crazy. But what makes you think "Oh, I'll just have a cigarette to calm my nerves" Never mind the fact smoking lowers birth weight among other things. Your BFF just gave birth to a full term baby weighing just over 5 pounds because you two were out on the smoking block puffing away! That's alright sweetheart I'm sure being born at a healthy weight won't help your baby's chances at all during surgery.

Do I feel sorry for you? Yes.

Why? Because you are an F'ing idiot!

Secondly, if you are smoking while you are a human incubator, what is going to stop you when the baby gets here? Will you light up in the car on the way home from the hospital? Probably not because then you have to face the little life you are possibly destroying!

I feel sorry for your baby if you can't make the decision to be unselfish!

Try this on for size genius. I suffer from a chronic pain condition caused from the 45 million abdominal surgeries I have had. For the last 3 years I have been on high doses of narcotic pain medication. I quit taking all forms of narcotic pain medication over a month ago. Do you think it is fun?? NO, it is not! I am constantly in pain. But, ITS WORTH IT!!!! I am willing to risk my on health and comfort for the sake of holding a precious bundle of joy in my arms.

So smoke your cigarette and remember, people are talking about you! They aren't saying very nice things. And if they aren't talking about it. They are thinking it! I hope for your baby's sake you wake the F up in the next couple of weeks.

****Steps off soapbox****

The Next Step

When I was 20 I had the big wedding and thought I would live happily ever after. I could not have been more wrong. I quickly realized I had married Satan's spawn. But not before I was pregnant.

The day Paiton was delivered was one of the scariest days of my life.
- 21 years old
- Alone at the hospital
- 6 weeks from my due date
- No heartbeat could be found.

I was quickly rushed to the OR and put to sleep. Paiton Elizabeth was delivered at 34 weeks gestation on 5/15/2004. Luckily, she was a large baby 6 pounds and 2 ounces. Much larger than I had expected (or anyone else for that matter).

The next 3 weeks were not so fun. Once Paiton had been delivered by emergency c-section and I was given a couple days to recover, it was clear that something was very wrong with me. Thank you Jesus it was me not her! I was transferred to another hospital and had 2 surgeries in back to back for a total of 3 surgeries in 5 days. I stayed in the hospital for 3 weeks and could only visit my baby when my mother or the sperm donor brought her to me in the morning and left the hospital before dark. This is not what I imagined when I thought about having a baby.

Fast forward 2 years and 2 more surgeries and I was finally able to admit I could not stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of my beautiful daughter. I need to do what made me happy. After all happy mom equals happy baby right??? I told him it was over and left the same day.

I will omit the details but Paiton's biological father has not had any contact with her for almost 6 years at this point. I believe this is the best thing for her, though I was not the one who made this happen.

I had known M for about 3 months before I left my husband. It was a purely platonic relationship. Co-workers who had a great time laughing together all day. I would come into work in the morning and find crazy cutouts on the pictures on my desk. He was (and still is) a true character.

It wasn't long after I made the decision to leave that M and I made the decision to start seeing each other. Who knew that we would fall in love so quickly? I was moving in within 3 months and don't regret it for a second. Sure, people thought I was a horrible person and I was only thinking about myself and not my daughter. When I say people I mean family, friends, co-workers, and just about everyone we told. But it was about time I followed my heart. I had been miserable for the past 3 years and I longed to be happy.

When M introduced me to his family, I fell in love with every one of them. They accepted me and my daughter and even though I am sure his close knit family had many things to say about our situation when I was not there, I never once felt unwelcomed.

Paiton was about 2 1/2 when M and I started dating. It wasn't 6 months before SHE asked him if she could call him Daddy.  He said yes without hesitation and for the last 5 + years we have lived as a family.

This is where the gray area comes in.

What is the most logical next step???

Marriage of course!!!

Well not for us! Call me bitter, call me immoral. I really don’t care! I have done it before and I am not ready to do it again. I’m not sure I will ever be. M agrees.

I really do not need a piece of paper to tell me he loves me and that we will be together forever. I mean it worked out so well the first time right!

Will it happen one day? Maybe, or maybe not. But that is for us to decide.

However, neither of us are getting any younger. I firmly believe that M deserves a child that is related to him by blood. Someone to look at and see his own image. He is a great father even though he doesn't have to be. He is the only father Paiton has ever known.

The decision has been made to stop BC and try for Baby G!

I’m not sure this decision will fly with either side of the family. But I’m a big girl and he is a big boy, we will make our decisions together. I am sure that the baby will be loved. After all, Paiton is not a blood relative of his family but you would never know it.

So, this blog has been created to track our progress. Hopefully, in the next couple of months I will be planning a nursery and telling tales about making homemade maternity clothes. I just hope I don’t stress myself out and go completely nuts in the process.