If you follow me, you know I am a horrible blogger and for that I apologize.
Truth is folks I have nothing good to say. I have been in a pretty dark place for several months and it seems to be getting progressively worse.
I figure no one wants to continue to read me bitch about how horrible dealing with IF really is. It’s hard personally as well as on my relationship.
I am angry with M for not wanting it more. I am angry with myself for not having eggs with arms that reach out and grab is slow sperm. I am just angry in general.
I feel like I have the universe stacked against us and not one bit of defense against it.
This month has been full of pregnancy announcements and baby shower invitations. I have officially reached the point that I am BITTER! That’s right I said it!! I am jealous of all the blessings being placed among my friends and family and frustrated with those who don't appreciate it.
I have become a person full of anger and rage. The smallest things can push me into a full blown ugly cry. When I cry it’s always about the same thing.
It’s not a baby I desire. It is a baby with M that I want. I want the connection that pregnancy brings and the joys and headache of caring for a newborn. I want to see how M reacts to it all.
He says he is fine where he is and there is no need for treatment. "If it happens, it happens" were his exact words this morning while I was in the middle of a full out breakdown. How do I get him to care, or even want this half as much as me?
As we approach the two year mark I look back at this journey and see all the heartache I have suffered, I wonder if it is worth it. I wonder when and how someone who wants something so much will throw in the towel. How much more can I take? How do I rationalize that we probably will not get pregnant alone and that M wants to take no further steps?
