Sweet Summertime!

M and I are very "outdoorsy" people. I like to think we are slightly adventerous.

This weeks adveture was a 5 mile round trip hike that included lots of rock climbing at the top.

I truely love our one on one time. We need more of it!

We are so blessed to live in such a beautiful area.

Bad days!

During this journey I have become very aware on what a bad day is. Today is one of those days.

I guess it has just been a rough week and today it is finally hitting me. Maybe its because I feel bad for feeling sad. When good things happen for other people, you should be happy for them. I am having trouble with that lately.

Do I think that my cousins baby is amazing? Yes!

But....do I envy them right now more than anything? Yes.

Am I happy for a FB friend that announced she is pregnant? Absolutley (Especially because I think they have been trying for a while)

Did I tear up when I looked at the announcement? Sure did.

I swear, this infertility shit is for the birds.

I don't know if I am sad, angry or just a bitter hussy at this moment. I don't want to be bitter, but I am.

Keeping the happy face on when your crying inside is a hard job.

Judge Away, Because its Happening.

Okay peeps, its time to get cereal.

M has decided that taking blood pressure medicine and not having a blood pressure problem is moronic. I see his point. Blood pressure is not something I want to mess around with.

So I did some research of my own and came across Maca Root. It seems to be about as natural as it gets and he is all for that. We both have seen the benefits of starting a vitamin regimen. The day we decided to start trying I started taking a prenatal and DHEA. I have been known to take Evening Primrose Oil,  but not every cycle.

Some people will judge because we can't confirm it with a doctor. However, we asked the Dr. directly about supplements or vitamins and he did not want to discuss them. M is done with doctors and I guess I am just trying to hang on. He is not very hopeful at this point.

He seems to be willing to continue on with a more natural approach. Maybe we are both just dirty hippies, who want to camp in primitive sites and live off the land.

Speaking of living off the land , I can't wait to get plants in the ground. It is for sure on the agenda for this weekend. We have already been tilling the plot and pulling rocks out.

M built a bridge across the pond a couple weeks ago. As always this house is a constant project. He is always building something. I think we have decided to stay here for a couple more years. I told him if he could get me an out building of my own for storage I could make it work. That give away that damn iguana.

Here are a few pics of the projects we have done in the last month:

Results x3

The urologist's nurse called me today this afternoon with the results of test número 3. It's not good folks. His count is half of what it was last month. Last month it was 13 million and this month it is 7 million.

To say I am sad right now is an understatement.

I am really beginning to give up the little hope that I had left. I wish I knew how to process this right now. He is super disappointed and said it makes him feel terrible. He doesn't want to keep up the suggestions at this point.

I just don't know what the future holds. And that scares the shit out of me!

God grant me the strength not to slap a bitch!

If I see one more "I'm pregnant" post on from a girl who can't take care of the kids she already has I am going to flip my shit. There have seriously been four announcements over the weekend!!!!

Pretty sure we are on to cycle 15 tomorrow.

M has his 3rd SA tomorrow. This one was ordered by the urologist and will include white blood count and PH. The other two did not. If he has high PH and it has ben an infection all along....there may be more throat punching in order.

I have to wear what??????

So this is where we are at. I know this is like a song playing on repeat over and over but we NEVER thought we would be here.




On March 27th we went to the urologist. We had a nice long discussion about M’s count and other sperm quality factors. I pointed out that I did not see where white blood cell count or PH had been tested and how I had read that these could be important factors. The urologist agreed and we will be doing a repeat at the end of April.



I stepped out of the room while he did the physical exam. Lets be honest, I knew what was about to happen and I was not going to witness or be blamed for any of that.

The urologist told him he needed to switch from boxer briefs to plain ole boxers….He works out daily and is not enjoying the “freedom” that regular boxers are giving his special parts. The Dr. was also concerned that he wears jeans everyday to work and sits all day (for the last 15 yrs). He felt like heat was playing a major part in all of this mess because there were no obvious “defects”. He was given strict orders to keep those (literally speaking) babies cool. This means no sauna action at the gym, of course I have been preaching about this for a while but of course I was wrong (silly me and all my research).





That’s how the urology visit went but here is where I really am.



I feel defeated.



I feel like I have no control over anything anymore.



I can’t think about the diagnosis without crying.



I feel like I need to just come to the realization that it may not happen. I need to somehow be okay with this fact.



At this point we will not do IUI or IVF. It is just not an option for us. Maybe in a couple years, but not now.



My plans this month (#14) are to take it kind of easy. I have some OPKs left from my last shipment and I intend to use those. I am not temping. TTC already consumes my mind for much more time than it should. I am not going to temp so I can obsess over my chart only for my perfect cycles to mean nothing.



I am about as clockwork as you can get. I start on the 26-27th day around 3-5pm. I know when I ovulate by now. If I have an off cycle, it is what it is. But it hasn’t happened in the last 14 months.

There will be a whole lot of praying going on around here. M told his parents last Sunday. They are our cheerleaders and always have been. Here is hoping that our prayer warriors come through!

Its not me...its you!

Today I feel defeated.

After months of thinking something is wrong with me, we got his SA back and it isn't me at all. It was so bad that they didn't even preform the test.

When I talked to the nurse at my office she said before they start the test they look at the semen under the microscope. When they looked they only saw 2-3 sperm. My understanding is that in the slide there should have been thousands.

Next step is a repeat. This he will abstain for 5 days instead of 3. If the test still looks bad its off to the urologist.

I am off to cry like a baby. I held it together at work. Now its time to let go.