Judge Away, Because its Happening.

Okay peeps, its time to get cereal.

M has decided that taking blood pressure medicine and not having a blood pressure problem is moronic. I see his point. Blood pressure is not something I want to mess around with.

So I did some research of my own and came across Maca Root. It seems to be about as natural as it gets and he is all for that. We both have seen the benefits of starting a vitamin regimen. The day we decided to start trying I started taking a prenatal and DHEA. I have been known to take Evening Primrose Oil,  but not every cycle.

Some people will judge because we can't confirm it with a doctor. However, we asked the Dr. directly about supplements or vitamins and he did not want to discuss them. M is done with doctors and I guess I am just trying to hang on. He is not very hopeful at this point.

He seems to be willing to continue on with a more natural approach. Maybe we are both just dirty hippies, who want to camp in primitive sites and live off the land.

Speaking of living off the land , I can't wait to get plants in the ground. It is for sure on the agenda for this weekend. We have already been tilling the plot and pulling rocks out.

M built a bridge across the pond a couple weeks ago. As always this house is a constant project. He is always building something. I think we have decided to stay here for a couple more years. I told him if he could get me an out building of my own for storage I could make it work. That give away that damn iguana.

Here are a few pics of the projects we have done in the last month:

Results x3

The urologist's nurse called me today this afternoon with the results of test número 3. It's not good folks. His count is half of what it was last month. Last month it was 13 million and this month it is 7 million.

To say I am sad right now is an understatement.

I am really beginning to give up the little hope that I had left. I wish I knew how to process this right now. He is super disappointed and said it makes him feel terrible. He doesn't want to keep up the suggestions at this point.

I just don't know what the future holds. And that scares the shit out of me!

God grant me the strength not to slap a bitch!

If I see one more "I'm pregnant" post on from a girl who can't take care of the kids she already has I am going to flip my shit. There have seriously been four announcements over the weekend!!!!

Pretty sure we are on to cycle 15 tomorrow.

M has his 3rd SA tomorrow. This one was ordered by the urologist and will include white blood count and PH. The other two did not. If he has high PH and it has ben an infection all along....there may be more throat punching in order.

I have to wear what??????

So this is where we are at. I know this is like a song playing on repeat over and over but we NEVER thought we would be here.




On March 27th we went to the urologist. We had a nice long discussion about M’s count and other sperm quality factors. I pointed out that I did not see where white blood cell count or PH had been tested and how I had read that these could be important factors. The urologist agreed and we will be doing a repeat at the end of April.



I stepped out of the room while he did the physical exam. Lets be honest, I knew what was about to happen and I was not going to witness or be blamed for any of that.

The urologist told him he needed to switch from boxer briefs to plain ole boxers….He works out daily and is not enjoying the “freedom” that regular boxers are giving his special parts. The Dr. was also concerned that he wears jeans everyday to work and sits all day (for the last 15 yrs). He felt like heat was playing a major part in all of this mess because there were no obvious “defects”. He was given strict orders to keep those (literally speaking) babies cool. This means no sauna action at the gym, of course I have been preaching about this for a while but of course I was wrong (silly me and all my research).





That’s how the urology visit went but here is where I really am.



I feel defeated.



I feel like I have no control over anything anymore.



I can’t think about the diagnosis without crying.



I feel like I need to just come to the realization that it may not happen. I need to somehow be okay with this fact.



At this point we will not do IUI or IVF. It is just not an option for us. Maybe in a couple years, but not now.



My plans this month (#14) are to take it kind of easy. I have some OPKs left from my last shipment and I intend to use those. I am not temping. TTC already consumes my mind for much more time than it should. I am not going to temp so I can obsess over my chart only for my perfect cycles to mean nothing.



I am about as clockwork as you can get. I start on the 26-27th day around 3-5pm. I know when I ovulate by now. If I have an off cycle, it is what it is. But it hasn’t happened in the last 14 months.

There will be a whole lot of praying going on around here. M told his parents last Sunday. They are our cheerleaders and always have been. Here is hoping that our prayer warriors come through!

Its not me...its you!

Today I feel defeated.

After months of thinking something is wrong with me, we got his SA back and it isn't me at all. It was so bad that they didn't even preform the test.

When I talked to the nurse at my office she said before they start the test they look at the semen under the microscope. When they looked they only saw 2-3 sperm. My understanding is that in the slide there should have been thousands.

Next step is a repeat. This he will abstain for 5 days instead of 3. If the test still looks bad its off to the urologist.

I am off to cry like a baby. I held it together at work. Now its time to let go.

2 Post in One Week...Say Whaaa??????

So I went to see Dr. Max today and I don't know if I got good news or bad news to tell you the truth. As far as my charts go, I have textbook ovulation. However, he is very concerned with the amount of scar tissue that he believes I have let from all of the abdominal surgery. So today I had a vampires breakfast amount of blood dawn and set up some additional test. If all the blood work turns out normal and M's SA is normal, I will have a laparoscopy done on April 24th to check for and remove said scar tissue.

My scar tissue tends to form in bands. There is an obvious band on my left side near where my ovary would be. It can be felt from the outside, but it is impossible to tell what it is actually hooked to without doing the laparoscopy. Good news is that I will not have a new scar. Dr. M assured me he would use one of the 50 already on my abdomen. SCORE!

Now for the funny...

I was really nervous about telling M that he would have to have a SA. I don't know why, but I was. And I was avoiding that conversation like the plague. Well in order to get it set up I had to get a chart made for him because he was not in the system at the hospital I use. I mean he was born there but it was 32 years ago....why would they not have a record??? Oh I know there are these new things called computers now, they must not have converted the things in Morse code to the computer system. Shame, Shame!

Anyway, I had to call him at work to get his social the convo went a little something like this...

Me: What is your social???
M: Why??
Me: I have to get a chart made for you. You have to have a test.
M: A test? What kind of test?
Me: Well I don't know if it is really appropriate to tell you over a monitored work line....
M: Just tell me......wait, that kind of test?
Me: Yeah.
M: Why do I have to do that?
Me: You know why.....
M: Well how much is that going to cost?
Me: Does it matter? I mean I am sure it will be $75-200.
M: Oh okay, well if you want it done you have to help me.
Me: As you wish dear.

He still doesn't know that he has to abstain for at least 3 days. HA! I wasn't dropping that one on him at work.

So I guess things are looking up. At least we have a plan. Holla!!!!

Must. Blog. More.

I know not many follow me and I apologize to those that do. But here is a little bit of where I am in life.

This month has not been fun and we are only in day 4. Granted I am including the last week of February but still. GIVE ME A BREAK.

(1) We have officially reached month 12 of TTC. Seriously, who would have ever imagined. I have my obligatory one year appointment tomorrow. I don't know how far we will go to make this happen.

The good news is that I called the insurance company and I do have coverage for all of my IF testing. No coverage for medications or procedures, but I will take what I can get.

At this point I am super frustrated and feel like it may never happen. But I guess what will be will be.

(2) We decided to look into putting the house on the market. While the house seems to be getting great reception (as it should after all the work we have put into it), it appears we are upside down in our loan because of all the foreclosures in the area.

There are positives and negatives with the housing market being on the outs. Though we will most likely not get out of our home what we have put into it, we will get a lot more for our money when we get a new house.

Again, with everything in life nothing is ever black and white it is usually a shade of gray.


(3) My yearly merit increase was a JOKE! I seriously busted my ass for this company last year for nothing. I told my boss point blank that he might as well have just punched me in the face. I also told his boss that (whom I am very close with). I have made it very clear that I wish to be moved outside of the department I am in so that my strengths can be used accordingly. I am in a very unhappy place right now with my career.

I really need to get off my ass and finish my degree. I keep making excuses. Pregnancy being on the top of that list. But obviously, I should not be using that excuse.

I have been repeating this to myself for the last week:

I will just keep pushing along, after all what else can I do?