Letting My Emotions Get the Best of Me

Let me prepare you for the whinefest that is about to begin... I am sorry in advance!

I am sad.

I am mad.

I am jealous.

All in all, I am over it!

I wonder what we have done to piss off God.

Why not us? Why someone with a dead end job and a boyfriend who refuses to work?

This process is making me shelter myself from other people to ward off uncomfortable situations.

I wish I could just "go with the flow".

Sometimes I think it is a punishment to know too much.

I just want to catch a break.

Letting My Emotions Get the Best of Me

Lurkster

I haven't been around much lately and its on purpose.

I have lost about all hope of conceiving on our own and since we will not be going further with testing and treatment at this point, I think its a good time to step back.

This has been and continues to be one of the biggest challenges of my life. Unless someone has been there they will just never know how it feels.

MFI makes me feel powerless. I can use every trick in the book but its not going to matter. I can't make sperm and thats what we are missing.

Its time for us to let nature take its course and pray that it will happen.

I will update here and there and if any of my lovely bumpies get BFP's you can bet my ass will come out and play.

In the meantime, I am going to look for a second job to save up for treatments. I guess thats what I can contribute.

18 Random Questions

I have a few minutes of free time, so why not?

1. Coffee, tea or soda? I have one cup of coffee every morning. I love, love, love SWEET tea (it would be a crime if I didn't), I have a love /hate relationship with Soda. I love it and it hates my mid-section.



2. Do you live in an urban or rural area?  I would say urban. Only because of where I grew up. Growing up on a farm with the nearest grocery store 20 minutes away will make any area seem urban.



3. What was the last item you purchased other than food? Mouthwash and tampons at CVS with CVS bucks!



4. Do you subscribe to a daily newspaper? No, but I do check out the website everyday.



5. Who called you on the phone last? My lover boy!



6. What is your favorite TV show?  This is a hard one because I watch entirely too much TV. True Blood, The Walking Dead, and American Horror Story are my top 3.



7. What is your favorite TV news source? I haven't really watched the news since my brother went on his first tour of duty in Iraq (2004), but if something cray is happening I will put it on CNN.



8. Credit or Debt?  Debt



9. Paper, plastic or do you bring your own bags? Plastic- Sorry granola buddies!



10. What Thrift store do you usually donate to and why? The Goodwill because its less than a mile from my house.



11. When you shop in person, do you usually frequent the mall, specialty boutiques or ???  My favorite store is Ross. But I also love Old Navy so I frequent the mall often as well.



12. What is your favorite online shopping source?  Buckle.com because it the only place I can find jeans long enough for my Amazon ass.



13. Clothes, shoes or house stuff?  50/50 Clothes and Home.



14. Hair. Home dye, professional dye or natural? Dark Brown L'oreal Excellence every 45 days!



15. Do you keep a journal?  Nope just this blog, yo!



16. Do you have a bucket list? I don't. Maybe I should ?????



17. What is your least favorite chore? Dishes or Vacuuming



18. What book are you reading? I started Almost Moon by Alice Sebold but is nowhere near as good as her other two books.


And that my friends is a little dose of Beth.

Looking back - Newbie Style

I took a look back this morning at my blog post from a year ago.  I was so hopeful. I thought for sure I would have a baby in my arms by now.

I had it all set up. I was going to get pregnant in June, be due in February and ask to have my C-section on my 30th birthday.

Are all newbies so hopeful? Do some know there will be issues from the beginning?

I think we wee about 7 or 8 months in when I knew there was a problem. I originally thought that it was most likely me. I think all ladies going through IF think it is them. Hell, it might still be me, too.

I am so thankful for the group of Internet strangers that have helped me and still continue to help me on a daily basis.

Sometimes being on an forum with women that are all trying to accomplish the same thing can be hard. Its hard not to be sad when a newb gets a BFP.

Will I ever get to tell M that he is going to be a dad?  When do you throw in the towel?

If it were up to me we would continue on with testing/treatment, but for him this is not an option.

He has justifiable reasons so I can't be mad at him. I just hope in time his heart changes.

Sweet Summertime!

M and I are very "outdoorsy" people. I like to think we are slightly adventerous.

This weeks adveture was a 5 mile round trip hike that included lots of rock climbing at the top.

I truely love our one on one time. We need more of it!

We are so blessed to live in such a beautiful area.

Bad days!

During this journey I have become very aware on what a bad day is. Today is one of those days.

I guess it has just been a rough week and today it is finally hitting me. Maybe its because I feel bad for feeling sad. When good things happen for other people, you should be happy for them. I am having trouble with that lately.

Do I think that my cousins baby is amazing? Yes!

But....do I envy them right now more than anything? Yes.

Am I happy for a FB friend that announced she is pregnant? Absolutley (Especially because I think they have been trying for a while)

Did I tear up when I looked at the announcement? Sure did.

I swear, this infertility shit is for the birds.

I don't know if I am sad, angry or just a bitter hussy at this moment. I don't want to be bitter, but I am.

Keeping the happy face on when your crying inside is a hard job.