9 weeks

How far: 9
Size of baby: Large Grape
Physical symptoms: Constipation and hungry all the time. 
Starting Weight: 152
Gain/loss: -8
Maternity clothes: Sadly yes already. I know most people say it's bloat but it never fully goes away. I'm not going to be able to hide it much longer. I normally have no belly at all. 
Stretch marks: Not yet. 
Sleep: What's that?
Best moment: Wondering around Babies R Us with he baby daddy. 
Movement: I'm not that girl.....
Cravings: Slurpees and carbs

Gender: Undecided on if we will be Team Green or not. 
Labor signs: Nope
Belly button: In
What I miss: Sleeping & wearing comfortable clothing. 
What I am looking forward to: NT scan on May 27th. 
Milestones: We had a regular appointment (first with the OB) last Tuesday and saw the HB that measured 146. 

A long time coming.......

I have waited a while to post this because I know I have a couple people IRL that read this and felt that immediate family should know first.

But on April 11th at a little after 7 am, I urinated in a shot glass and used the little dropper for my trusty dollar store test and within about 3 seconds I knew I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!

After 25 months, loads of tears, giving up, starting again, giving up again.......it finally happened. One of his swimmers decided to have a little direction and make its way to my egg.

We have had two ultrasounds thus far. The first one was last Tuesday and I was measuring 5 1/2 weeks. It was to early for a heartbeat but I was given my EDD of 12/13/14. We went back today and were able to see one beautiful heartbeat. Dr.M was having some issues with the machine so I wasn't able to get the rate but I saw it! I saw it even before Dr.M did.

D. M released me to the regular OB today. Our 8 week appointment is next Friday. I don't know how I'm going to wait. I know there will be a huge difference between 6 and 8 weeks. I'm so ready to see that little gummy bear.


I'm all over the place here but I thought I should also mention the big reveal. Easter is a big ordeal in M's family. His parents church had nearly 2,500 people in attendance. So big that it had to be moved to the local civic center. My mom usually comes over for Easter service as well since she is an hour away and all alone. We then follow service with a big dinner at his parents and a Easter egg hunt for the kids (300 eggs for 3 kids, can anybody say overkill). I decided it was perfect timing we have golden eggs that equal special prizes. I let my sister-in-law know a couple days ahead of time and we made this..

Needless to say it went over well. Everyone is thrilled and extremely happy for us.

Is it December yet?

2014 New Year , New Me!

A lot has changed in the last month and as usual I am late to the game letting my blog friends know about them.

When I posted last I was in a very bad place, I was angry and frustrated and about to throw in the towel. Well after a major breakdown and heart to heart with M we have decided to move forward with treatment. I'm not sure exactly what that means but it’s a step in the right direction.

For the first time since this process started I finally feel like we are in the same book. Not necessarily the same page but possibly the same chapter. I think if he were more educated in the ins and outs of infertility it could be even better. But he hasn't spent the last two years obsessing over this like I have.

In 2014 I have goal, that goal is to be more true to my feelings and stop sheltering everyone else. I am going to be open about our struggles and that has already required me to put a couple people "in their place".

I will not put myself in situations where I feel uncomfortable. I have been true to this already and we are only 8 days in GO ME!!!!!

On Saturday there was a baby shower for M's cousin. His mother and sister gave me a hard time about not going. I was very blunt with them and told them that I know I would be sad and it wouldn't do anyone any good to have me around. I explained that it didn't mean I don't love her or her baby but the last two years have been incredibly hard and going to a shower only makes me mourn what I don't have. I bought a nice gift and sent it with them.

2014 will be a good year. Sure I may not get pregnant but as long as we are moving at a steady pace and he is willing to take the steps needed I will be greatful. Our first RE appointment is March 3, 2014. I hope we can make a plan or start moving toward a plan.

This is an exciting yet humbling point to be at. It means we can't do it on our own but that we are willing to take steps together to make us happy.

Oh and one more development. We have started looking at rings. I will be engaged by April if all goes as planned. We won't be getting married anytime in the near future .... Maybe since we do things in 7's we will have a Fall 2021 wedding.

I didn't know it could hurt so bad!

If you follow me, you know I am a horrible blogger and for that I apologize.

Truth is folks I have nothing good to say. I have been in a pretty dark place for several months and it seems to be getting progressively worse.

I figure no one wants to continue to read me bitch about how horrible dealing with IF really is. It’s hard personally as well as on my relationship.

I am angry with M for not wanting it more. I am angry with myself for not having eggs with arms that reach out and grab is slow sperm. I am just angry in general.

I feel like I have the universe stacked against us and not one bit of defense against it.

This month has been full of pregnancy announcements and baby shower invitations. I have officially reached the point that I am BITTER! That’s right I said it!! I am jealous of all the blessings being placed among my friends and family and frustrated with those who don't appreciate it.

I have become a person full of anger and rage. The smallest things can push me into a full blown ugly cry. When I cry it’s always about the same thing.

It’s not a baby I desire. It is a baby with M that I want. I want the connection that pregnancy brings and the joys and headache of caring for a newborn. I want to see how M reacts to it all.

He says he is fine where he is and there is no need for treatment. "If it happens, it happens" were his exact words this morning while I was in the middle of a full out breakdown. How do I get him to care, or even want this half as much as me?

As we approach the two year mark I look back at this journey and see all the heartache I have suffered, I wonder if it is worth it. I wonder when and how someone who wants something so much will throw in the towel. How much more can I take? How do I rationalize that we probably will not get pregnant alone and that M wants to take no further steps?

Where we stand!

Today has not been a good day....

Went to see Dr. M for a follow up appointment after having another UTI/Kidney infection (6th this year alone) and having to get a script for Provera to start my period last month.

Now that we are at 18 plus months I am getting extremely impatient and kind of feel like it is never going to happen. He originally wanted to do a LAP but I know myself and I don't come through surgery very well so I asked if we could do the HSG instead.

My impression is that he doesn't think it is going to happen naturally for us. He said that he thought our only option was IVF with ICSI and that here in VA it runs close to $30,000. I don't know about you but I don't have that kind of money just lying around. There is no way in hell that I would be able to convince M to do it even if we did. He is totally against IVF. Its whatever, he has his reasons and I can't force him to change his mind.

I held it together at the office and even made it back to work before I broke down into an ugly cry at my desk. I don't know if I am strong enough to keep going. But I also don't think I can give up. I want to try fertility drugs but Dr. M said he didn't think they would work for us. I at least think we owe it to ourselves to take a chance.

I am also questioning why I haven't had any ultrasounds to check the status of my ovaries. There are women that have ovulation issues that have a period every month (Sueann911). He thinks because my chart is pretty I don't have an issue. Well I'm calling bullshit on that.

I think it’s time to start looking for second opinions. I LOVE Dr. M but he is not an RE he is a GYN with a specialty in fertility. He has assisted 2 of my friends in getting their dream. I have hung with him for this long to see what he suggest and I don't know if I am just being naive or what but I think we can do this without IVF.

MY HSG is on Friday. Is it bad that I hope that he finds something wrong with me? At least then it would be somewhat in my control. That is a selfish thing for me to say but honestly its how I feel. I don't want M to carry the burden if we don't ever get our baby. I don't want to be angry with him and if I am being completely honest I am sometimes. He can't help it, and I feel like total scum for feeling that way. But I owe it to myself to be honest and you folks get the pleasure of getting inside my head (hope you brought weapons, it’s scary in there).

I can't grow a baby.....

But I can grow a kidney stone.

I have had them before but this one is really putting a hurting on me. I haven't been out of bed today and can't hold down any food.

My doctors are pissing me off. I have a stone but they don't want to see me until Sept. 16th. WTF???

If the pain doesn't stop soon I am heading to the ER.

I guess the only positive is that I will meet my deductible and not feel bad about having the LAP.

Andplusalso, I have a script for provera (sp?)to get this show on the road but I can't fathom having AF on top of this. Needless to say it has not been filled.

Lamest Blogger Around......

I know, I'm lame.

Nothing new to say on the TTC front.  I think I O'd sometime over the weekend. I casually took OPKs and didn't temp, so there is no guarantee.

But anyjazz, I had to take M to the Dr. today for the 1st time at his request this afternoon (the other two times wee for a physical for work and the Urologist at my request). So when I asked him if I should make him an appointment and he said yes...I knew that shit was serious.

He has done something to his back. Didn't sleep last night and went to work early to sit in one of the massage chairs we has as a benefit (they seriously rock, the ones that massage your arms and legs). They sent him home with a bunch of drugs and told him to ice and heat it.

I really hope he just strained it pretty bad. It would kill him to not be able to be active.

I would also probably want to kill him if he was in the house all the time....yikes!!! I hope he gets better soon. I heart him. 

Anywho, the garden went pretty well.

The squash didn't do as good as they have in years past but we got enough to feed the stupid iguana for the summer. Have I mentioned lately how much I despise that thing? Still free to any home that will take him.

We have tons of tomatoes and cucumbers. We have taken tons to work and our parents because there is no way we can eat them before they go bad. I refuse to can. I know I should but it is so much work. I guess I'm just lazy like that. I also genuinely enjoy giving away fresh veggies. I know that people will enjoy them.

Our peppers are okay. Not very big or hot. But they have good flavor. I have stuffed them a couple times.

I grew sunflowers for the first time this year and they are beautiful. I have some that are easily 12 feet tall. They started to open today. Seeing them open made me think about my life lately. I have been so obsessed with one thing that I am not stopping to enjoy the little moments. I need to stop living for the what ifs and start living for the right now.